When reading this please take your time, take a moment to breathe as it will have in-depth information about my life and this will give you a better understanding of who I am, why I love what I do and why I always do healing work with pure love, compassion and understanding while feeling safe and loved without judgement.
Let’s start with when I lost my voice, heart, trust and soul as that’s when my journey began. I was 15 at the time April 6, 2001, Friday I woke up feeling cold and feeling something was terribly wrong as I didn’t wake up when I should have. I was in my purple PJs trying to get out of my house as all the gates were locked and no keys to be found and I looked outside and I couldn’t get out as there were people walking around and then I heard glass breaking. I ran back into the passageway looking for a way out and that's when I heard a scream that I still can’t get out of my head, the high pitch scream of a soul crying echoing through my body over and over.
After hearing the screaming and crying I got pulled into my bedroom and hearing the words your father is dead….. Looking around the room feeling numb, confused about what I just heard I went to grab my radio to throw into the window and that's when I was grabbed and given something to calm down. I went quite in a dark cold dream of this isn’t my reality what is happening isn’t real.
This is the day I started blaming myself for his death because I didn’t wake up when I usually do to spend time with him before his run. I didn’t wake up kept repeating in my head till the year 2017 and I didn’t believe he was dead till 2017 that’s how I didn’t deal with my loss as I couldn’t accept the reality I was in. (I even blamed myself because something I learned about myself that I didn’t know till now, I knew he was going to leave I just didn’t know what it meant. As I didn’t know what I was till now…)
This was the day I lost my father to suicide, this is the day I lost a great man, this is the day I lost my voice, this was the day I lost my heart, this is the day I lost trust, this was the start of me losing my soul.
Yes, suicide I don’t blame him, I’m not angry with him anymore, I forgave him as now I see it with my eyes. He was in pain and he couldn’t see another way out. Being in that much pain and not being able to express it out as there are no words or he just couldn’t express. My father was a strong man who had a big heart and loved to work with nature he just needed to leave this world the only way he could see at that time.
You can be strong but if your soul is crying out and you're unable to figure out the words and you see no way out except to end it doesn’t mean your weak or selfish it just means you weren’t heard and you feel this will stop the pain.
Anyone who thinks about suicide or ending it or has someone in their life that is suicidal or has ended their life, I want you to know I know how your feeling I know what you're going through, with the roller coaster of mixed emotions and not knowing what could I have changed to help them when they needed it.
This is where my roller coaster of mixed emotions took my soul as I didn’t know how to deal with my grief. I decided to bottle it up and try being a strong 15-year-old and say yes and yes to everyone else. This is where the beginning of losing my voice began. I did go see a few counsellors that wanted to talk about the grief and they wanted to get right into it, I didn’t want too as I wasn’t ready to talk and I was so uncomfortable.
Looking back to that time I was in so much pain that I didn’t know how to express and my soul was crying out but, I didn’t want to feel it I just wanted to go into my shell and pretend that it didn’t happen. It didn’t happen in my head until I finally said my father is dead in 2017 that’s when my heart finally started to let it all out, I cried so hard feeling everything all at once. That was the day I finally started my healing journey that's the day I was ready to accept that he wasn’t in the physical world.
But let’s go back and see why I believe the heart centre is so important to me and for others and how I got from there to the present moment.
We moved and started at a new school and I really didn’t want to start at a new school but I did. I hated school as teenagers can be cruel. I was just a lost girl who just wanted out. So, to be normal and hide I jumped into a relationship to escape the pain, I didn’t know better, I wanted to be normal and escape. So I did that and it wasn’t a healthy relationship looking back none of my relationships were good because I had no voice, I didn’t express myself, I didn’t express my true self and I didn’t know what love was and I had a hard time with love as I didn’t love myself.
Did I know what I was going through at the time? No, I didn’t I was just in a shell going through the emotions of life and time was moving forward, but time for me stood still as I was still there when everything changed. Did my emotions take over? Yes, but not in a way that they should have. I had sex, I hid my emotions with sex and I shouldn’t have had sex I just was looking for an escape. I had sex with a closed heart no emotions no feelings, it wasn't loving. I don’t regret having sex I just regret not having an open heart to feel the emotions that I know that is possible now.
I need to say this before I continue, there is nothing wrong with having sex, sex is beautiful it should be done with pure unconditional love. If you are grieving and you are alone wait and write in your journal how your feeling, so when you do have sex/make love it’s done with an open heart instead of a closed one.
Then I decided to get into healing as a teenager and I did all my Reiki Levels and I was with the light for awhile, but it didn’t last long as the darkness came into my heart and took over and I wasn’t in a good place and I walked away from healing work. Can’t be there for others if you can’t be there for yourself and you can’t do healings without love. Darkness took over because I didn’t believe in love and that I wasn’t worthy or deserving of love. That's how the darkness took over my heart and soul and that's where I became more lost.
By being so lost and just wanting to keep being normal and not expressing what needed to be expressed, I got into other relationships. When one would end, I would just jump into another relationship to stop the real emotions from surfacing that is what I would do over and over again. I just didn’t want to feel what I really needed to feel. But when it started to come up, I turned to alcohol to bury it and not feel anything, but alcohol that didn’t keep the emotions down for too long and I needed something stronger and that's when drugs came into my life and did it take me away from the pain it did. I did alcohol and drugs in a mindset that was dark and alone as I wasn’t worthy or deserving to be alive.
I got into physical, mental and emotional abuse relationships, some were good but the ones that weren’t healthy seemed to be the relationships that I thought I was deserving to be in as I was a lost soul trying to find her way back to the light. Yes, I still hid my emotions with sex, drugs and alcohol as that is what I thought was best for me at the time.
Before I continue, I am not angry or blame the men in my life, I forgive them as that was their journey and they had their own darkness to deal with. You might be thinking but why are you not getting angry and how can you forgive them? I can forgive them because I’m choosing to release the emotional debt from them and I’m choosing to show compassion and understanding to them as that is their journey. Richelle Me Now will never let a man physically, mentally or emotional abuse her again as I now know I’m worthy and deserving of so much more.
This part is going to be a trigger for myself and for someone who is reading this. I had too many drinks one evening and I remember having fun but my mind, body and soul shifted when I realized it wasn’t where I wanted to be anymore and I said No and it was too late...I remember getting up and leaving and I didn’t say anything to anyone I left it and hid away what had happened. I never told anyone till last year as I could finally say something. It was a long time ago and I dealt with it the best way I could.
But drugs and alcohol came back into my life because I hid my emotions again, I thought I was fine but the darkness took over without me realizing it. I was at a house I felt safe and did drugs and alcohol and I woke up with a blackout and sore and then I realized what had happened and I walked into the room and the person said nothing happened I noticed you were completely out of it and I put you to bed. This one man noticed something was wrong stopped and kept me safe, I’m grateful he noticed and chose to keep me safe. I didn’t know how bad I was and how far I had fallen till that day.
I stopped doing drugs and alcohol that day. Because I blacked out and I finally saw myself in the mirror and didn’t recognize myself and realized I was hollow and empty. That’s when I started working out, ate even more healthier, started to try and figure out me, but it didn’t take too long to fall back into a relationship where I would do what they would want and need and not use my voice. I did go back to alcohol again, but no drugs. But, I still didn’t deal with my pain I hid that part of me. Unless the death of his anniversary came along it would trigger me and all my emotions would surface and I would lose it and then bottle everything up again.
Then I was given a necklace that said love and I wore it till I believed in love again. Then after getting out of another relationship I went and got two tattoos one saying love and the other saying risen from the ashes. I wanted these tattoos for a while because I was looking for the right kind of love I was starting to open to the thought of love. Risen from the ashes I got for my dad and for me to keep going forward, but a couple days after my 25 Birthday I tried to end my life but a friend called 911 and they came to the house and I had stopped what I was doing and a friend came over to watch me as I said to them I’m fine I’m completely fine, which I wasn’t but the friend watched over me till the next day. I got into a dark place and I just wanted to end it I just wanted everything to stop I wanted the pain to stop.
I moved out of my place and moved closer to home and began again and decided I’m going to be single and alone to find me. This was my choice I’m not going to jump into another relationship I’m going to do this alone. I worked out, climbed, biked, ran and worked really hard at any job I got, Then when I felt ready I choose to hanging out with men for coffee, movies outdoors anything with an activity that I enjoyed doing as I wanted to see what I like and what I was looking for in a relationship as I wanted to finally find out what I was looking for and what made me happy.
Out of all the men I got involved with one of them and I should have said no and took my time but I really liked him and everything was flowing. So I did and I moved to a different city and that's when the darkness came back and I couldn’t get out no matter what I did it just kept hanging out. Especially when I was starting to become lighter it would come in. We moved in and started a life together, but after a while I knew I wasn’t happy as I just didn’t know who I was, I wasn’t expressing my needs or desires or wants, I wouldn’t express as I didn’t know how and I still hadn’t dealt with my grief or anything that happened in my life.
I worked hard, got three fur kids and then one day I got the perfect storm I got really sick with a severe allergic reaction that I landed in the ICU in 2015 and got the words to quit your job, quit your job and then I woke up and I was feeling weird as I experienced things that people would have a hard time believing. This was the day I felt and saw Heaven or in my terms a place that felt loving, safe and full of light. It felt warm and safe and I wanted to stay there but I got pulled back to earth. I do remember someone sitting at the bottom of my bed and leaning against me and when I looked there was nothing there but I could feel them behind my legs. (Before the ICU I was getting pulled into healing work so every day for three years someone would bring up Reiki and I said one day I might go back to it and I never did but it was always in the back of my mind)
After the allergic reaction I couldn’t work out I couldn’t move it was the weirdest thing as I was in ICU for three days and got out and then went back and in the emergency room the same day I was released as I had the same reaction again. Then I took my time with everything still kept working at the same job I wanted to leave but I stayed because of other people. After two weeks of staying home and recovering and feeling overwhelmed with emotions and unable to physically move as it was just an allergic reaction and I thought this was strange, I couldn’t work out and I got frustrated and angry with myself. That’s when meditation came into my life and that’s where I started my mindfulness journey and slowly worked myself up with the physical movements. This is why I’m so big on meditation as it brought me so much closer to my heart centre and clarity which took a really long time as I still had emotions that I was still hiding.
Then a few months later after the ICU I went home for a month to see friends and family and that feeling that I got with my Father I got with my cousin as we hugged and I felt that I wouldn’t see him again and I didn’t want to let him go but, I didn’t know what I was then. Then I came back home to my fur kids and family and my job and kept going as usually and not listen to my heart of what I really needed.
Not listening to my heart or voice again as something deep down something was trying to tell me. Got engaged, should have said no but choose to say yes. Not because I didn’t love him, because we weren’t flowing anymore and something was missing but I chose to say yes instead of really tuning into my heart centre. I stayed because of the fur kids and the financials and the mortgage I chose to stay. I chose to stay due to fear of the unknown. The day after I got engaged a car hit my truck from behind, as I was happy to be engaged but I felt stuck as I didn’t know what I was doing. Again the universe was trying to tell me something. But, deep down I felt lost and my needs, desires, voice and heart centre were trying to escape but nothing came out.
Then I lost my job a year later and I was like what the Heck universe? So I took a leap of faith and did my Reiki Training again all the levels. The 25 August 2016 that's the day I got the message from my mom saying that my cousin who I hug in 2015 that I said I wasn’t going to see again, he had passed away. After, finding that out I felt guilty because I didn’t say anything to him or his mom of what I felt but I didn’t know what I know now. I did tell his mom eventually as he kept coming in and saying tell and I did and it was exactly what we both needed at the right time. My dad and cousin both visit me everyday. ( I will never tell anyone if they are going to die as that isn’t what someone needs to hear as your future is always changing) . If you wondering if I do see it with people and clients, yes I do.
This was also the same day I decided to stop drinking and find out more of what I deserved and wanted so after doing my Reiki Levels I did more courses from Akashic Records to Theta to Peaceful transitioning coaching to meditation. Every training I did opened me up and that's when I realized in 2017 something was really missing from me and that was my heart, voice and trust. That's the year I finally let my heart open and allowed the words to spill out and trust the words I said, I finally cried and said he is dead, he isn’t in this physical world. That's the year I realized I shut myself down for so long because I didn’t know how to genuinely express myself without judgment due to fear of others thoughts, feelings and emotions and reactions.
That’s when I spoke up about my relationship and we decided to take a break so we could figure things out. Thinking we are going to fix things it was the opposite we ended things in 2018 and that’s when my healing journey and self-discovery really began. I applied to work at a clinic and took a chance and it was the best opportunity that I have ever taken, I took a chance on myself for once instead of listening to the whispers of you should do this or that from others. This beautiful clinic helped me grow more as it became my home away from home.
After my x had finally left, I had the kids and everything to figure out while figuring myself out, I was running around trying to manage to be a mom, healer, and run my online business and working at the clinic, again shut myself down said sure you go and leave the kids here. Because I wasn’t expressing myself I landed in the emergency room every month due to an allergic reaction, I didn’t want to be touched, I didn’t even know what it felt like to be touched, a hug, holding of a hand, or even what it felt like to have a kiss, or just snuggling that wasn’t existing in my world and it brought up so many emotions within me, I hid my body and wore layers of clothing I felt so uncomfortable within myself I didn’t know who the hell I was.
I got so bad one day that the darkness came in and I was walking up and down in my house and feeling so fogged up, cloudiness came over me and I couldn’t see clearly passed my thoughts and I was like universe give me a reason to live as I can’t see where I’m going now. I sat on my sofa my fur kids couldn’t keep me grounded and I was getting worse and I heard run, and it kept repeating over and over, so I grabbed my running shoes and I ran and I didn’t stop running and that's when I felt my father and cousin and saw them running next to me and heard go sit in the grass I did and I sat as the sun was setting and tears fell and I felt the warmth from the sun and saw them and fur babies and others walking around that are not in this physical world and I cried so much with the sun on my face. I came home and sat on the sofa and all three fur kids sat next to me they didn’t leave my side at all. My friend texted me and I met her the next day and told her what happened and she gave me a reason to stay and then my friend from overseas gave me another reason to stay. I haven’t thought of suicide since that day since I felt and saw the love in the field and got support from two incredible friends - thank you so much for being there for me when I need a reason to stay.
After time had passed, I sat down and looked within and asked my higher self as I was going through so many big changes that I had questions that kept repeating in my head. So I asked my Higher Self Who am I? Am I deserving of love? And the big one what is love actually?
What do you think my Higher Self said? Well, she said Richelle learn to self-love again and allow yourself to rediscover who you truly are.
So, I did I started with my heart and looked within to see what do I deserve and want. So I tried everything to see if I truly enjoyed something for myself. I started with working out and yes I love working out that is my desire. Then came the foods, I tried the foods I wasn’t sure of and found out what made me happy and what didn’t. Do I love being outdoors yes, but I love being outdoors for long periods of time with and without my fur kids and talking to other fur animals and plants.
Then came the physical and emotional connection with touch, love, sex feeling that connection with self and others as this was a big one for me as I would flinch if anyone would touch me without me knowing it, I was always fine if i was giving the hug or touch. So I asked myself do I love sex, being touched or being held or having someone hold my hand or touch my face? And I asked what is sex, holding of hands or being touched with pure love and passion feelings and emotions that are true.
So I took another leap of faith and enrolled into a tantra course because I wanted to know the spiritual aspect of it and have that deeper meaning and connection with self and others. Found out I love tantra as it’s more than what it seems and when I enrolled in my first course I cried as there were words and feelings and emotions that triggered me so much that I didn’t realize about myself till that day and I’m beyond grateful for doing the course as it opened me up to possibilities of myself and started my physical and internal healing of being touched and the thought of sex changed to love and deserving of that pure love. Tantra helped me take back my sexual power and my empowerment back, it helped me know I’m stronger and beautiful and worthy of self.
Then my list grew to clothing what type of clothing do I enjoy, to desserts, to having a better relationship with alcohol, I had my first drink in December 2018 at my Christmas party and it was the most enjoyable drink ever as I learned to enjoy it with love and not anger or fear or trying to hide an emotion from surfacing, it was done with pure love. I changed my mindset to pure white light love instead of doing things in the darkness.
Everything I do is with pure love a hug, holding a hand, snuggling, food, water, working out, energy work, being in nature, speaking with friends and family, being with my fur kids and the list can go on, but knowing that everything I do is with love instead of hate or fear gives me peace I finally found the peace that I deserved .
While discovering all of this I found out more about my healing side which was amazing and I found the soul family that love me and my kids equally. I love being hugged, having someone's hand in mine and snuggling or cuddling I don’t flinch when someone touches me I’m able to receive it as I know it’s with love and pure and it’s safe and trust what I’m receiving is genuine.
The next one deserving of love when I learned to self-love I learned that I am worthy and deserving of love. I learned that I don’t have to hide my true self anymore. I learned that I’m safe to express to those I choose to express too. I even discovered what pure unconditional love is and feels like. I discovered me and that I’m this beautiful, strong, intuitive, loving, kind, light, fur mama, caring, passionate, healer, soul that found herself and found pure white unconditional love. This pure unconditional love I share with everyone from friends, family, c0-workers, clients to one day lovers as it’s the most incredible feeling to experience and everyone is deserving to have that in their life because the more pure love we have within ourselves the more pure love we would love to give to each other that will cause a beautiful ripple effect of love and light without fear and darkness.
I’m still on this discovery of self and learning my lessons as this is my journey. If I didn’t go through any of the above I wouldn’t be the woman I am now. A woman who shows compassion, understanding and providing a safe place to express without fear and judgment as I know what it feels like to have my voice taken away or my heart shut down or a broken heart or having a soul that is crying out for someone to hear it. I know what you are going through. You may think but my pain isn’t as big as another person’s but I can tell you this, your pain is part of you and it might be different from someone else's doesn’t make you less than another person’s pain. Everyone goes through pain differently don’t deny your voice to express your pain as you are deserving to let yourself heal from any level of pain you have within you as you deserve to feel love and peace.
What I care about is that you follow your heart centre of what is your truth, who your true self is and stop the cycle of someone in your life whether it's you or another person be the block or barrier to your pure happiness and pure white unconditional love. Stop allowing your fear to hide your voice and heart expression, as you are such a beautiful soul that deserves and is worthy of what your heart is expressing. If it makes you happy, laugh, smile and feel love why stop the flow of it when you are flowing towards the light of what you deserve.
This is why I’m so passionate about the heart centre as I blocked myself for years and allowed myself to shut down and putting other people’s needs first over mine and not listening to my heart centre. I allowed the fear and darkness to take my light, my soul, because I thought I wasn’t worth anything I thought I wasn’t important enough to be loved, happy or deserving of laughter until one day the universe said no and started pushing me to the point I used my voice.
This may have triggered you or made you feel so many emotions at the moment and that’s okay. This is the time you can sit and close your eyes and just breathe in and allow what needs to come out and journal as maybe just maybe something I wrote triggered you or brought up a memory or moment that needs to be expressed.
Now, you probably wondering out of all of this have I found pure unconditional love from others? Yes, I have from my soul family and it’s been beyond incredible as they have given me lots of self love and support with me and my fur kids I’m beyond grateful for allowing them in and for allowing myself to receive. Have I found the love that I want to share with someone, I did once and it was pure, loving and all the levels from emotional, spiritual, mental to energy there was so much laughter, honesty, compassion, understanding, support, trust and open heart conversations and just being in complete silence with one another and actually loving each other and accepting each other for our true selves and not hiding, it was pure white unconditional love of two souls colliding, but the flow shifted and I kneeled down as our souls were colliding but our lives were at different paths and that’s what was needed. Knowing what I know now I learned, I can trust, love, use my voice, follow my desires, support and care for another person or people while receiving and be who I truly am without fear and judgement.
This was my story does it make me less than what I am now, No, It actually makes me more because it made me realize that I’m deserving of so much more, pure unconditional love, compassion, friendships, soul family, romance, passion, understanding, it helped me find my voice, soul, heart and trust and allowed me to be vulnerable and to finally be seen and heard. I’m a soul with a light within that burns like fire waiting to explode for the world to see and I want your inner fire to burn and explode for you to truly see yourself. My story is your access to finding your expression of self to finally be seen and heard and to be your true self as the more you allow your true self out the more you flow towards yourself.
This is why I love what I do and why I do what I do as every soul deserves to be seen and heard. Your soul and heart deserves to be seen and heard as you are worthy of being truly seen for who you truly are with love. I love doing magical healings every day and connecting to every soul in person or online and through teachings, this is what I love doing and I see myself doing healings, connection work and teaching for the rest of my life as it’s who I am and what I love most is seeing people embrace their inner light and start embracing themselves and choosing to step through the door and allowing themselves to express their voice and heart it always brings me to tears. Everyone of you deserves to shine your light, passion, expression and you deserve to be woken up and without being in a deep sleep. You deserve to be the light within that will expand outwards to the world.
Please remember that I purely unconditionally love you with all my light in my heart as you are deserving.
Thank you for allowing me to share my story and for allowing me to show you why I’m so passionate about the heart centre and self-love expression. You are all such beautiful souls thank you from the centre of my heart for all the love and support.
Love Your Magical Fire Healing Bird
My blogs are about life, journeys, discovering your path, healing and so much more.