My Darkest Truth

This is my truth, take your time reading this with a cup of tea or coffee & read as though we are sitting around a fire telling each other our deepest stories.

My mom gave me the last piece to be courageous to express this to you. My mom deeply touched my heart when she said: “Richelle you are so strong, the way you speak, write, the way you take risks, you are so strong & the things you have gone through I don’t know how you did it, I don’t know how you keep going.”  I didn’t know what to say as I had tears falling as I could see it in her eyes that she was looking at her daughter, me, but not as something was different, as I felt she was looking at a different person.

I’ve been thinking about telling this story for a while & I hope it brings something to you. The girl you knew 5 yrs, 1 yr, even 6 months ago is no longer here anymore. I'm so much stronger & my faith with myself has grown & become so much stronger, to my deepest part of my heart & with so much love & light that I’m ready to share my past.  

My year of darkness was hell for me! I shut down from friends, from family. I turned inside & pushed everyone away due to the pain & feeling hurt & not being able to express to anyone what I was feeling. I loved what I was doing connecting with people & being there for them when they needed it. But something was inside me that I couldn’t heal. I ran away from my past with my ex, from someone I fell for who landed up hurting me to the point of a shattered heart, from people I trusted who broke my trust & faith that I didn’t want to let anyone in.  

I was at the point of vulnerability when I got assaulted last year. I never told anyone except one person who helped me the few days after to get me out of my house & to open up again. But it got too much & I didn’t want to feel it. I didn’t want to feel any of the pain & loss I was going through so instead of healing & dealing with it I went numb & pushed away the memory & the pain I was feeling as I wasn’t able to talk to anyone as I didn’t trust anyone. Except the person who knew but I pulled away from that person too. 

I kept doing what I love but it was getting harder & harder to breath, it was getting harder to trust the universe & who I was. I would cry out to the universe every day “What the hell are you doing? You bring love, you bring faith & hope only to shatter me with something I didn’t deserve. Where are you Universe?” I have already had my moments of falling & picking myself up. I was tired, what was it that I was missing? What more did you want from me? I cried out to the Universe, as it was the only place I could express my voice of the darkness that was overcoming my physical, spiritual, emotional, & sexual being. 

Then I hit the breaking point as I couldn’t deal with the calls, the mail in the mailbox & everything left from my ex. It just kept piling on. I felt like my light was slipping away from me every moment of each day.  The love I had was shutting down, the tears were over flowing & my heart wouldn’t heal & I just couldn’t breath. I felt myself suffocating in a coffin being buried alive feeling the ground swallowing me taking each breath away from my Being.

My sexuality, my physical, my mental, my emotional self and spirituality was taken from me. My faith & belief & love got wrapped up & sunk to the bottom of my heart never to be seen or heard again.  I felt my wings being wrapped & tied down & my hands & feet bound because I lost my faith in myself. I didn’t know who I was anymore. I felt like an empty shell walking around as I didn’t feel my soul in my body anymore. I felt like I was staring at my body screaming WAKE UP let me back in.  Then I got an email on December 9th, 2019 about money being taken & I felt my whole life break.  Not over money but because I felt trapped, trapped because of my situation since my ex & then I was back to the day I was assaulted & I was reliving that moment over & over. I was so trapped that I couldn’t breathe anymore, I got the tunnel vision of not seeing or hearing anything around me. I became so numb & cold that I cried my heart out on the floor & then stopped crying, I became silent.  That's the day I almost lost my life, that’s the day I chose to end it because I wanted everything to end, the pain, the loss of myself.  I know you probably thinking, fuck what the hell were you thinking? The truth is I wasn’t thinking, not about anyone, not about myself or my fur kids.  I wanted out of this world. I wanted the darkness to end. 

Or maybe, what are you thinking sharing this part of your life? Well the truth is no one talks about their fallen moments, or their moments of landing in the hospital because they attempted suicide. It's taboo, don’t talk about it, it doesn’t exist.  The handful of people that knew what I did called and texted me trying to get my location, trying to find out where I was, trying to get me to stay in this world. One of them convinced me to tell them where I was & the next thing the police & firefighters & Ems were in my house. I wanted them out, I just wanted to be alone.  I was so angry with that person at that moment for calling them & having them walking in my house trying to help me to live.   

They got me into the Ems truck and drove me to the hospital. I was full of anger towards the handful of friends for not allowing me to be released from this world that had become chaos & just full of pain that never ended.  I was put in the emergency room pumped with drugs to get me back to me. I fell asleep, only to feel everything from the other person in the room who was in so much pain, I couldn’t breath. I just wanted to stop feeling, hearing, seeing things. I woke up shaking & crying in one of my friends arms saying “Oh God Oh God what did I do what did I do? I almost ended my life.  What did I do? I almost left this world.”  As the kind nurse came in to put those stickers on my body, she had to lift my gown & I couldn’t breath as I was still in that same place not wanting to be seen or touched.  I felt ashamed & so much guilt all at once, as at that time I blamed myself for what happened to me. My love that night sunk even deeper into my heart & I couldn’t breathe anymore & the love & light vanished from my heart.

I finally went home the next morning, feeling like I got hit by a train & confused & just wanting to keep everyone at arm's length.  I did but not the handful of people that knew of my situation, they kept me close.  I pulled myself away from what I love spiritually completely. I didn’t want to do it with the mind set I was in.  I didn’t believe or have my faith in myself. But believe it or not, the universe kept pulling that towards me, to remind me of who I was.  

I wanted a good Christmas with my family & New Years which I did receive as I just wanted to be with my family & close friends.  Even friends that saw me, I kept those secrets from.  As I wasn’t ready to share till now.  I isolated myself from everyone because I just needed time to let go & heal.

Then the new year began and each week I would get sick with something.  It was ridiculous!  Everyone tried to get me back to what I love & I just didn’t want to.  I felt I wasn’t ready. I didn’t want to force something that didn’t feel right. I shut myself off from social media, my mailbox, email everything.  I wanted to just figure out who I was again.  How to get back my spirituality, my mental & emotional state, my physical body & sexuality.  I needed the time to heal & not be pushed into something when I wasn’t ready.  I begged the universe to just stop everything. I just wanted the world to stop & come to stillness so I could breathe, so I could feel again, so I could regain my faith & belief & find my pure light of love & be who I truly am without fear & hesitation & be my whole true self.  I just need time to stand still for once & let me regain what I lost.  I shut down my spiritual side because I needed to figure out my life, who I was.

​Anyone who pushes away what they are unable to deal with,  can’t be forced into dealing with it as it will create more conflict with what they are trying to process.   I wasn’t ready but I also didn’t know how to begin my healing.  I didn’t know how to bring up everything, as it was overwhelming and it would affect my heart as it was a lot to handle all at once.  

Anyone who can’t understand or be there for you, give them understanding as sometimes life needs to flow a different direction for you to be on a different path. Rather forgive, give compassion and love to those that couldn’t understand or those that don’t have the time to listen or see the pain you are in. Forgive, give compassion and love to yourself because you were so busy bottling everything up & everytime you stopped & thought of something It would cause so much suffocating that you needed to cry or distract yourself with a different outlet.  But unfortunately that bottle will break & the floodgates will come blowing through because the mind,body & soul is saying you need to heal & let us heal so you can live & breath again. 

That's when I began touching my cards again as I felt a pull, started touching them to feel into them & there were moments it got too loud & I pulled away.  Then the world stopped & that's when it got too loud it was like a big switch turned on & I felt everyone, the pain, sorrow, grief, anger, frustration, guilt, shame, regret, confusion, lost, so many questions from people around me, my skin would feel like it was on fire, heart racing, & tears falling down my face as everyone was hurting so much & I hadn’t had a chance to begin my healing.  The only place that I felt quiet & myself was in nature & around trees as it soothed the pain from others & brought me to stillness. 

But it got too much and the switch just turned up & I felt everything from everyone & I knew the universe was trying to get my attention for a reason.  I was filled with so much of everyones stuff, as I’m an empath & because I chose to switch off. The universe had other plans for me.  I felt like I was suffocating & I couldn’t breath & all my stuff that I hadn’t dealt with was starting to pile on even more & I knew something bad was going to happen. I felt it in my heart & I was going to have a broken heart.  

April 5, 2020 I walked down the stairs to see my baby girl Rubix laying on the sofa, sick but the sick that you knew she wasn’t going to get better.  I was losing her to the spiritual world.  That was the same day I decided that I will do a voyance reading on Monday April 6th, 2020 before I even saw her.  I did my first Live Voyance Reading with her in the room & I opened up all my channels & let them in.  I chose this because it was the right moment for me to reconnect with my spiritual side, with Rubix in the room with me.  Then I focused all my energy on her & my heart began to open up as I could feel that pure light of love coming back & it poured out towards her as I bathed her, washed her paws, carried her to the bathroom, tried to feed her, carried her in my arms, held her like a baby, spent time outside in the sun with her.  She felt I was hurting & placed her paws on my lips when I said I’m sorry I hope I gave you a good life & with the other paw wiped my tears.  April 8th 2020, the day she was going to the otherside, I was a mess, I was in tears. When she left her body, I felt her enter my heart.  Like a pressure & I never shared this -  I saw green sparkles & a pink path & her rainbow colour soul. I felt the coldness & warm mixture enter my heart & she was standing in the room looking at me & all I could do was grip her body as she was gone.  The green sparkles & pink path was a gift from her to find my pure light of love again & my spiritual path & to live, laugh & love & be brave to be free. I miss her everyday as she was my little girl & now she is my guardian fur angel keeping me walking the pink path.  

Then I began dealing with all my past moments these last few months.  I faced everything I didn’t deal with in the past.  I took the words & weaknesses & insecurity & said Fuck It, those words aren’t mine! I’ve never been that, I’ve always risen as I'm a very strong woman! A strong woman that just needed time to unfold everything in my own time, to begin the healing I truly needed. I just needed the time to figure out things & allow myself to take each day to cry, laugh, and go for walks after facing something that gripped me.  I faced everything that carried a heavy grip on me. And trust me it was hard everyday, but each moment I faced - I would cry, but I would breathe even more the next day until freedom.

Then I went to court to get my ex to sell the house as I wanted out but he didn’t show.  So I chose the last & final resort to break free & that was the foreclosure of the house.  As I deserve to break free from a house that ties me to him.  As I deserve to be free of debt & a house that needed to be let go of a long time ago, but there was just one road block after another coming up for me to be free. I did everything to break free but unfortunately none of those routes were meant to be.  Yes, I was embarrassed & ashamed for going through this. But when a person is trying to do the right thing but it’s not going anywhere then another option, the last option appears, what else can that person do.  That's when I decided to let go & I cried because it was time to forgive myself & heal, as this was meant to be - so I can finally be free.

I needed to release the bonds around my ankles, hands & throat & break my wings free from what was gripping me, what was keeping me hidden from being who I truly am!  As I know I’m light and knew what it meant to live & the pure light of love.  I knew - This is me, I just needed to find it again.  I needed to find that little girl I was in that orange bathing suit who was free & just lived with love & laughter & trusted herself. Did I find her? Yes, yes I did as I have never been this happy in such a long time.  I’ve never felt this free.   I have reconnected with friends & family & have let them in & the amount of pure love I’ve been flowing out has been flowing with pureness that feels like home. 

These couple of months I spent time with family & friends in person & facetime.  The moments that will always be in my heart is seeing everyone smiling, laughing & full of love.  The time I spent with each one of you, you gave me so much love & healing, without you realizing it.  As I got to just spend a moment with you. You are all healers in your own way & I will always be truly grateful for all of you.  You gave me so much from hugs and walks and laughter, to sharing food and sharing special moments of your day. 

I promised myself when I was 30 years old that I would find my sexuallity & my fitness again.  When I found my fitness, I did find parts of my sexuallity. But then it was taken from me, as I didn’t want to be seen.  But because of Rubix passing & her saying -  please live, don’t give up, making me promise her as she knows how I feel about promises.  I kept my 5 years ago promise that I would be in my sexual power again. Now I let go of what happened in 2019 & allow myself to be who I truly am sexually. And I will never allow another person to hurt, touch, or see me without my permission as I am sacred, divine & a pure goddess.  My heart is pure light of love.  I had a friend who I trusted to come & take photos of me.  She helped bring forth the sexual side of myself, bring her out to play & be free again & shine my strength again.  I will never let another person hurt me again, I have given compassion, forgiveness & love to those that have hurt me, as I don’t do revenge only love, as there is always karma. As Karma always will balance out what has happened in our lives. 

In July & August,  I focused on Aphrodite & getting her better.  With me losing my voice on and off, I couldn't do what I love & I was thinking about this truth story. I thought about it everyday while looking after her, forcing her to walk when she didn’t want to.  I read books, went for hikes, did lots of studying & then took her to the dog park & she became her happy fluffy self again! I gave her & her brother picnics the last week of August as a gratitude for allowing me to push her to get her back to her.  I switched my phone off those last couple of days & read, layed in our healing nest outside at the park & meditated. I needed to be her mom, I need to take the strength I have & give it to her, as she is so strong too.  I knew If I took the time to push her she would get back to herself.  I took all my strength & tears & gave it to her so she could come back to me, her mom.  Now she just paws at me when she wants me or pulls my hands to her heart to keep giving her love & strength. I’m still studying and reading books & gathering wisdom & knowledge for the next chapter in my life. 

Me attempting to take my life doesn’t define who I am, who I am now doesn’t define who I am becoming.  Anyone who thinks or takes the next step into leaving this world doesn’t mean to feel like this; it doesn’t define who they are or who they are blossoming into.  Being attacked does not make me a victim, it does not define who I am. It pushes me to be stronger and to take back myself.  These things do not define me, or define my future - my choices are what define me and my future.  But we all have the choice to Rise & I choose to forgive myself & find out who I am & begin trusting myself again.  

I’m Richelle Ross, who has been through the darkness, who has had her heart shattered, who has had her emotional feelings pulled apart, who denied her spiritual path, who had confusion in her mind, her physical world falling apart, her body not flowing with her, her sexuallity ripped from her core & the love she had vanished to the bottom of her heart.  I had loss, pain, grief & I came close to not existing in this world. I’m Richelle, who chose to Rise & accept my darkest moments & begin healing so I can finally say who I am with Love, Light & Magic flowing from my heart centre.

I’m Richelle, a Spiritual Healer that works with Pure Light of Love with Angels & whispers of colour, that sees past the veil, who believes in her faith of the divine light within us & her faith with the Universal Light & Mother Earth is stronger than she could ever imagine. Who has chosen to embrace the energy healings of the mind, body & soul,and those of light & darkness as you can’t deny one -  you need both to grow & discover self.  I have chosen to do healings that incorporate spiritual & sexual energy connection as all is connected. When we find the balance of all, we find the flow.  I’m being brave & choosing who I am & I’ve chosen to take this big risk & being brave to share so I can be FREE.  My wings are freer than ever before & as I promised my little girl, this woman is going to LIVE, LAUGH & LOVE with happiness with the people I love & that love me.  

My moments are going to be filled with nature, true friendships, spiritual & sexual energy healings, teaching others, exploring, living, laughing & love all while being who I am & keeping on being the magical strong person I am.  As everyone has to fall to make the choice to Rise from the ashes.  

I don’t know where I’m going to be in the next couple of months & that's okay, as I have learned one thing in my journey of darkness -  my past is my past I have honoured it, I have forgiven it, but I’m not allowing it to take away my present moments with those that are in my life presently.  I’m moving forward to my future of who I am becoming but to get there I know I want to enjoy, appreciate & love each breathing moment of the NOW,  to have those moments to cherish deeply as it is filled with love & light.  

You will Breathe, You will Live, You will Rise, You have to choose to keep going but when you choose to keep going remember to LIVE everyday with LOVE as LOVE is the answer to your darkest moment of your life.

Thank you for allowing me to share my darkest moments of my life with you.  I have found my light & everyday it gets stronger as I’m a strong light of love.